Good, bye.

Woke up writing. First in my head, and then on paper.  

 Lines and lines of shit I've always wanted to say to you: 

 A part of me always kept everybody who ever meant something to me within arm's length. I feel like if they went away, so would that part of me. That I would forget and lose that moment of my life forever. And I'm not even the sentimental type. I don't remember dates and I don't keep tokens of moments locked up in a shoebox under my bed. My bed doesn't even have an under. I let go when its its time to. I don't chase after ghosts. I let people slip through my fingers all the time. I've never tightened my grip over anything that didn't want to be held.  

 But then there are those ones. The ones I held tight, kissed, and then tossed away. The tide keeps bringing them back. They still need me to be there. And so I'm there.

 I used to think that maybe it's because I felt like home to them. But it's crazy how quickly people can build a foundation out of anything. So it can't be that. But still. I would like to think that I've left my mark on them. Something real, genuine, and meaningful. Something deeper than lipstick stains and scratch marks on their backs. Maybe it's more like a thumbprint on their brain. On the part that makes them feel safe, warm and satisfied.  

But it's this bad habit. I've kept them at an arms length. Let their pins and needles thread through my skin. I never notice they're there until they've climbed back into my arms. I think one day I'll cut them. All of them. Quickly and sadly. Letting them take fragments of me, and us, with them. I know it sounds terrifying and cruel. But maybe there is something beautiful about people taking pieces of you. Maybe there is something kind of wonderful about growing into your missing pieces, while other people piece their broken ones together.  

 It's dark out so I think I'll try that. I thought about this and I thought about all of you. I can't help where my mind takes shelter. 

6 Reasons Why The Friend Zone Exists: From a Woman’s Perspective.

Ladies, I am sure you are all familiar with the proverbial Friend Zone. The sacred relationship you share with your BFF of the opposite sex - the person you trust with all of your secrets and spend time with as often as your schedule allows. That awesome friend who you platonically cuddle with while you watch your favourite movies and TV shows. You genuinely care about him, and cannot stand the idea of losing him, his affections, his advice, and his early morning/midday/late night texts of flattery. He is trustworthy, loyal, sweet, honest, affectionate, and most of the time, even attractive. But still, to his discontent, this seemingly perfect guy will probably never get to have the privilege of seeing, touching, or enjoying your lovely lady parts - except for maybe that one drunken night, which you will brush under the rug and pretend never existed (cause it never happened). So why do we invest so much in these friendships, but never see them through to a relationship? I don’t know about you... But these are the reasons why my good friend - let’s call him Johnny - is in the friend zone. 

1. I am single. He is single.
If I had a boyfriend to shop with, snuggle up to, or turn to for rhetorical advice, I would not have the time nor the appetite for another guy. So yeah.. maybe there is a void I’m trying to fill there. But believe it or not, my end goal is never to accidentally-purposely uncover an epic romance with my best boy-friend. Yes, romantic comedies have taught me that the best kinds of love stem from friendships. But I don’t invest in my friendships with the forethought that I’m building a foundation with my future husband (where’s the fun in that?!) It’s simple - I’m young, I’m single, and I’ve got both time and effort to spare. But let’s not put all the blame on us. Men play a huge role in perpetuating that ill-conceived idea that men and women can be close friends without complications. The only reason he’s entertaining my every whim is because he too is single and is trying to fill his own cravings for female companionship. And unlike women, men almost never start new friendships with women they aren’t somewhat attracted to. And as we all know, attraction is a seed. A very, very dangerous seed.



2. My girlfriends drive me insane.
^ Let’s not take that statement too literally. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girlfriends to death. But (and there’s always a but), women will be women. We are emotionally-charged beings. One meaningless joke can be misinterpreted as an insult of the greatest calibre because the text message lacked an lol smiley face. Sometimes a petty disagreement set-off by an inability to choose a restaurant to have dinner at can easily turn into a painfully awkward night filled with subtle eye rolls, silent treatments, and covert bathroom meetings to complain about each other. So what happens when your patience has run out with all of them? Who else are you going to bitch to? This is where Johnny steps in. He doesn’t think like a woman and will only hear my side of the story. So his judgement will always be in my favour. And because he obviously prefers me over my friends, his attitude will always be partial to me. And consequently, he will always offer me sentiments like, “They’re just jealous of you”, which are always well-received.



3. My ex-boyfriend f*cked me over.
I’ve just gotten my heart broken by a boy - let’s call him Bobby - that I gave my everything to. I feel discarded, unappealing, and worst of all… lonely. Then comes Johnny out of nowhere- he’s shiny, he’s new (yet familiar), and he’s in his best behaviour. His mere presence suppresses my loneliness. His sudden interest in my friendship makes me feel interesting, maybe even fascinating again. He’s the breath of fresh air that gives me hope that there are still good guys out there. But like I said, Bobby f*cked me over. So I’m still jaded, and more guarded than ever. I tell myself I will never give myself so entirely to another man again. Meanwhile, Johnny is forced to endure my excruciatingly detailed anecdotes on the triumphs and failures of my previous relationship. Whereas I think I am venting to a good friend, Johnny is internalizing every bit of information - making a mental list of what I like and dislike. But I won’t notice because I’m still forcing myself to be numb to all romantic feelings toward the opposite sex. Bobby f*cked me over and I’m not really ready to get into a relationship that I think will probably, most likely, almost definitely, for sure end in heartbreak.



4. Occasionally, I like to be reminded how pretty I am.
This is probably one of the hardest thing to admit to. We may or may not realize or admit to it, but we like to get our egos stroked. And if there is one thing that Johnny can be counted on, it’s that! Whether it’s a restrained confession masked by faint compliments like, “I like the way your eyes narrow when you smile” or more obvious declarations like “You’re amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you. Any guy would be lucky to have you”, my BFF is always ready and eager to let me know just how completely, and entirely awesome I am. And although I may somewhat feel the same way about his smile and personality (barring the amorous romantical feelings tied to those compliments), I probably will not return the sentiment. Because if I do, he’ll obviously think I like him (and we can’ t have that happen now, can we?) But I’m not stupid, I have a hunch that behind all that flattery, lies a beast.. a beast ready to shower me with unrequited love. But do I back off, lest I further provoke that beast? Nope! And why not? Because he makes me feel pretty.



5. I can`t imagine us ever having sex.
Let me start off by saying that there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. I may find Jennifer Lopez attractive, but as a straight female, I am not attracted to her. This rule can also apply to members of the opposite sex. A huge aspect of a relationship is what goes on in the bedroom. If the idea of me and him entangled in a mess of sweaty limbs and hot air evoke either the feeling of awkwardness or repulsion, then he and I will probably never date. If I cannot pleasantly imagine his body against mine, or even his fingers intertwined in mine, then he and I will probably never have a romantic future together. And maybe it’s because he’s farted on me, or popped a zit in front of me one too many times. Or maybe it’s because I see him more like an older brother, than a lover. Whatever the reason may be, if the allure is not there, we will always stay just friends.



6. I just really like his company.
Johnny is great guy. He’s fun and he makes me happy right now. He gets me, and for the most part, I get him too. I love spending time with him, and what we have is special, but it’s just not romantic. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.