What It's Like To Almost Love You

The moon right now. I hope you're looking at it. I love the rain and the clouds. I love what we do when it's dark out. It's a shame the way you do your thing. I guess it's been sunny.

I'm looking at you. And my fingertips feel different on your skin. Your bite marks are on my clavicle. Your thumbprint on my eyelids. My cheeks. And the bottom of my lips. I'm branded. Leftover kisses in my hair. I want to wash it off. Just a little, maybe. Cause I want you to linger.

Lips quiver in anticipation. Don't let anyone tell you different. I bite mine to hide from you. You used to cast a shadow on my mouth with yours. A soft space, dimly lit up by our chemistry. Fireworks.

We should explore. Go on an adventure. Hold out your shirt sleeve and I'll leave a trail of broken glass and broken hearts. No one will follow us.

We can dive into the most shallow part of your soul. Because that's all there is. The laps of your waves are addicting. Deep breaths. Tiny little gasps.

I'm hooked. I want to swim in your thoughts, taste your passion, and feel your dreams. I want to paint you with kisses and smiles. Pour out my art into you. Hoping for depth.

But I don't. My heart is too big and your hands are too strong... I guess.

The Wrong Guy

I don’t want to fall in love with you.

I’ve been up for an hour. My head is on your chest; my lips are on your body. Your arms are wrapped around me, your face buried in my hair. For the moment, you are mine, and every inch of me wants us to stay like this forever. Entangled in each other; corners meeting, skin kissing. But I let go first. I raise my head and trace little swirls on your clavicle with my fingertips. I want you to wake up so I can leave you. I want to leave you. Your eyes open with a smile. You kiss me on the lips and hold me closer. You take a deep breath and close your eyes again. I wish I could stay with you. I kiss your earlobe, but pull away to the edge of the bed, willing myself to get up. You find my hand and interlock your fingers in between my fingers. I let you. And you fold your body into mine, breathing softly into my neck. Maybe I can stay with you a little longer. I close my eyes and let my thoughts go. I ignore all the reasons to why I can’t have you, why I shouldn’t want you, and why I’d never let you have me. It doesn’t take much effort to forget your flaws. Or mine. Not when we’re like this. Not when you’re like this.

But your breath hitches and it snaps me back to reality. I’m in bed with a man who isn’t mine to keep. I pull my hand away from yours, drawing it close to my chest; protecting myself. I know you can sense my restlessness. You kiss the top of my head twice and hold me tighter. You never open your eyes. I close my eyes too. I know I can’t stay. But I don’t want to go. Maybe I’ll leave you tomorrow. Maybe you’ll leave me tomorrow.

Tonight, I’m yours. But I can’t fall in love with you. 

Heartbreak: On Why It's Necessary

Date: August 12, 2011

Title: Ivebeenthinkingaboutforever

Tonight I went to sleep with a broken heart.

I dreamt with a broken heart.

I wake up at 4:35am to the sound of my own sobs. My eyes are blurred and my chest is heavy. My hands are trembling, and I take deep breaths.

I burry my face into my pillow, and gather my covers close to me to the form of a human body, wrap my arms and legs around it tightly, and assume the fetal position.

In between sobs, everything that I’ve taught myself to forget came creeping back

I remember when he... When I... When we...
I remember the way he used to... The way I used to... The way we used to...
He’ll never get to...I’ll never get to…We’ll never get to…

I know I have to stop. I’ve been good lately. I’ve been so good lately.

Every fleeting memory ignored. Sensitive topics avoided. Approaching tears pacified.

Any sign of vulnerability concealed. Pushed down to a place only God and I know about.

But all it takes is one dream.

And with fervent hesitation, and no expectations for a response, I pick up my phone and type: I miss you.

- -

I came across the file above when I was trying to clean out useless documents on my netbook, in attempt to speed up my online stream of The Big Bang Theory (I don’t even know if there’s logic in that). I was absentmindedly deleting file after file on my computer when I came across one that stood out to me – Ivebeenthinkingaboutforever.doc. Right away I knew what it was. Aptly named after lyrics of one of my favourite Frank Ocean songs at the time, I knew it was my heart-felt journal entry that I had written almost a year ago.

I wrote it 5 weeks after my break-up with a guy I thought was my soul mate. And 3 weeks after I thought I had gotten over him. It was my emotionally-driven expression of my tragedy in love. I cringe when I read it again, feeling both silly for ever allowing myself that kind of expressive vulnerability, and grateful that I’m no longer affected by that relationship. Although at this point, I can whole-heartedly say that I have moved on, and am now able to recognize and appreciate the fact that we were neither right nor good for each other. We were just two people who met at the right place, at the right time, and fell in love. And despite our relentless attempts to stay in love – because in all honesty, I think we both so badly wanted to stay in love –, we had to eventually surrender to reality and admit to ourselves that we were heartbreakingly incompatible.

Ironically, I dreamt about my ex last night – the first time in over 8 months. But this time, I didn’t wake up in tears, or feel the pangs of love-lost. Instead, I felt nostalgic. Though not for him or the memories we shared. I was nostalgic for feeling. Or feelings? Okay, wait, this isn’t coming out right. Let me rephrase this:

I was nostalgic for the feeling of a full-heart, however heavy. I missed being in love, and loving someone so hard that I find myself going out of my way to do or say things I can’t or won’t usually say or do, because of my pride. I missed the rainbows and butterflies I imagine are floating around when I’m with someone I’m crazy about. I was nostalgic for blissful, witless, romantical glee. I missed the feeling of being so in love that it made me want to build a giant ship, fill it with people (and not enough life boats), have it hit an iceberg, sink, and leave me with nothing but a giant wooden door, only to let my significant other use it as a floating device, as I sacrificially sink to my icy death… just ‘cause I love him that much. Better put (and in reference to a One Tree Hill Brucas moment), I just missed giving a rat’s ass about someone.

Given my track record, my first thought at that realization was: Wtf? What the hell is wrong with me?

Why do I have feelings of homesickness, if you will, for romance? Isn’t this exactly what I don’t want? To feel the same way I did a year ago? To feel so cataclysmically hurt that I considered moving to a different province to avoid everything and anything that remotely reminded me of him, or us? To have every waking and sleeping moment be haunted by a memory that is neither welcomed nor unwanted? Didn’t that last relationship make me want to never give myself so entirely to another man again? Do I really want to be writing shitty, depressing entries about my shitty, depressing breakups again?

 Does this mean I want a boyfriend? Because I’m almost positive that I don’t want one right now. I enjoy my new found sense of autonomy (my exes always tend to be over-bearing and anxious). I love my life right now. I’m in love with the novelty of freedom and liberty. I love casually dating boys I don’t intend to love or marry. I love being able to see, dance with, hug, kiss, or fool around with whoever I want. I like being able to hold on to something that I know isn’t mine to keep. I love being happily single.

 So how can one dream about a person from my past give me a sudden inclination to love someone again? And do I really want to get my heart broken again?

 And after much debate, I've come to a conclusion that yes, I do want to get my heart smashed in to a million – no – a billion pieces again. (Do you guys think I’m crazy yet? lol) Yes, I want to fall in love with someone and put my faith, trust, and future in their hands – knowing that with it, I gamble both my heart and sanity. I want to meet someone who I will think is my soulmate (again), knowing that it comes with the possibility that they won’t feel the same way. I want to love someone who can potentially hurt me in that way where I can physically feel the thump of my heart dropping in to my stomach.

 Listen Judgy McJudgerson, I know what you’re thinking… I know you’re wondering why I, a young lady of certain intelligence, would willingly take an emotional beating, with no regard for self-preservation. And my answer to that is this: Because it’s necessary. The heartbreak is essential to my happiness. Because the before and after of ‘Ivebeenthinkingaboutforever.doc’ was and is fucking awesome. Because the time before that was fantastically perfect. I felt loved, cherished, valued, and adored. Because there was a time before that when I felt like I was living in an annoyingly cute bubble of affection – a time period where in everything and anything he and I did was genuinely and nauseatingly endearing to the other. A phase in my life where I was so blindly in love that baby talk and nicknames like ‘bobo’ became acceptable behaviour from my boyfriend.

 And don’t EVEN get me started on the after – what it was like when I finally got over it. The after was when I began to find myself, remembering things about me that I had long forgotten while I was in a relationship. I remembered that I prefer tequila over beer, that I do, in fact, very much enjoy interacting with the opposite sex. I remembered that I like to dance at clubs, sing in cars, take long showers and take my time when I get ready to go out. I also remembered that I prefer eating at ghetto restaurants in skittish parts of the city, over fancy restaurants because I feel that they have more character.The after was when I realized that I had the freedom to do all of these things, without the need of anybody’s approval. It is a time of egocentric-independence and self-fulfilling-selfishness (in the most positive sense of those descriptions). It was also a stage when I re-(re)-discovered dating. I was able to re-acquaint myself with the simple pleasures of uncertainty and discovery. Discovery in the sense that every sensation, even ones I’ve experienced before, seemed new and exhilarating. When you’ve been with the same person for a long period of time, you forget what a first kiss feels like. So when I finally kissed someone new for the first time, the novelty of the affection was electrifying. Believe me when I say I relished in the immensity of that gesture, and felt every tread of that kiss – the anticipation beforehand, the butterflies upon its execution, the passion in the moment, and finally, the daydream-like phase after its termination. And this is just the first-kiss we’re talking about ;) .

 So going back to my previous point (if you’re still following my haphazard train of thought), which was my seemingly foolish sentiment that if given the choice, I would relive that miserable August night when I dreamt with a broken heart. Because heartbreak is the core of two equally wonderful experiences – and without it, being in love and falling in love will cease to exist. So I welcome heartbreak... better yet, I embrace heartbreak. The before and after of Ivebeenthinkingaboutforever.doc is the trajectory of my entire 20s, summed up, and waiting to happen. And it will happen … over and over again, whether we like it or not. So I say, guh head girl (or boy), wear your heart on your sleeve. Love blindly and recklessly. Fall in love, get your heart smashed (and repeat). Time heals all wounds. What doesn’t kill you, only gives you something to blog about.

(This post is dedicated to beautiful, vulnerable women with courageous hearts.)

6 Reasons Why The Friend Zone Exists: From a Woman’s Perspective.

Ladies, I am sure you are all familiar with the proverbial Friend Zone. The sacred relationship you share with your BFF of the opposite sex - the person you trust with all of your secrets and spend time with as often as your schedule allows. That awesome friend who you platonically cuddle with while you watch your favourite movies and TV shows. You genuinely care about him, and cannot stand the idea of losing him, his affections, his advice, and his early morning/midday/late night texts of flattery. He is trustworthy, loyal, sweet, honest, affectionate, and most of the time, even attractive. But still, to his discontent, this seemingly perfect guy will probably never get to have the privilege of seeing, touching, or enjoying your lovely lady parts - except for maybe that one drunken night, which you will brush under the rug and pretend never existed (cause it never happened). So why do we invest so much in these friendships, but never see them through to a relationship? I don’t know about you... But these are the reasons why my good friend - let’s call him Johnny - is in the friend zone. 

1. I am single. He is single.
If I had a boyfriend to shop with, snuggle up to, or turn to for rhetorical advice, I would not have the time nor the appetite for another guy. So yeah.. maybe there is a void I’m trying to fill there. But believe it or not, my end goal is never to accidentally-purposely uncover an epic romance with my best boy-friend. Yes, romantic comedies have taught me that the best kinds of love stem from friendships. But I don’t invest in my friendships with the forethought that I’m building a foundation with my future husband (where’s the fun in that?!) It’s simple - I’m young, I’m single, and I’ve got both time and effort to spare. But let’s not put all the blame on us. Men play a huge role in perpetuating that ill-conceived idea that men and women can be close friends without complications. The only reason he’s entertaining my every whim is because he too is single and is trying to fill his own cravings for female companionship. And unlike women, men almost never start new friendships with women they aren’t somewhat attracted to. And as we all know, attraction is a seed. A very, very dangerous seed.



2. My girlfriends drive me insane.
^ Let’s not take that statement too literally. Don’t get me wrong, I love my girlfriends to death. But (and there’s always a but), women will be women. We are emotionally-charged beings. One meaningless joke can be misinterpreted as an insult of the greatest calibre because the text message lacked an lol smiley face. Sometimes a petty disagreement set-off by an inability to choose a restaurant to have dinner at can easily turn into a painfully awkward night filled with subtle eye rolls, silent treatments, and covert bathroom meetings to complain about each other. So what happens when your patience has run out with all of them? Who else are you going to bitch to? This is where Johnny steps in. He doesn’t think like a woman and will only hear my side of the story. So his judgement will always be in my favour. And because he obviously prefers me over my friends, his attitude will always be partial to me. And consequently, he will always offer me sentiments like, “They’re just jealous of you”, which are always well-received.



3. My ex-boyfriend f*cked me over.
I’ve just gotten my heart broken by a boy - let’s call him Bobby - that I gave my everything to. I feel discarded, unappealing, and worst of all… lonely. Then comes Johnny out of nowhere- he’s shiny, he’s new (yet familiar), and he’s in his best behaviour. His mere presence suppresses my loneliness. His sudden interest in my friendship makes me feel interesting, maybe even fascinating again. He’s the breath of fresh air that gives me hope that there are still good guys out there. But like I said, Bobby f*cked me over. So I’m still jaded, and more guarded than ever. I tell myself I will never give myself so entirely to another man again. Meanwhile, Johnny is forced to endure my excruciatingly detailed anecdotes on the triumphs and failures of my previous relationship. Whereas I think I am venting to a good friend, Johnny is internalizing every bit of information - making a mental list of what I like and dislike. But I won’t notice because I’m still forcing myself to be numb to all romantic feelings toward the opposite sex. Bobby f*cked me over and I’m not really ready to get into a relationship that I think will probably, most likely, almost definitely, for sure end in heartbreak.



4. Occasionally, I like to be reminded how pretty I am.
This is probably one of the hardest thing to admit to. We may or may not realize or admit to it, but we like to get our egos stroked. And if there is one thing that Johnny can be counted on, it’s that! Whether it’s a restrained confession masked by faint compliments like, “I like the way your eyes narrow when you smile” or more obvious declarations like “You’re amazing. I’ve never met anyone like you. Any guy would be lucky to have you”, my BFF is always ready and eager to let me know just how completely, and entirely awesome I am. And although I may somewhat feel the same way about his smile and personality (barring the amorous romantical feelings tied to those compliments), I probably will not return the sentiment. Because if I do, he’ll obviously think I like him (and we can’ t have that happen now, can we?) But I’m not stupid, I have a hunch that behind all that flattery, lies a beast.. a beast ready to shower me with unrequited love. But do I back off, lest I further provoke that beast? Nope! And why not? Because he makes me feel pretty.



5. I can`t imagine us ever having sex.
Let me start off by saying that there is a difference between finding someone attractive and being attracted to someone. I may find Jennifer Lopez attractive, but as a straight female, I am not attracted to her. This rule can also apply to members of the opposite sex. A huge aspect of a relationship is what goes on in the bedroom. If the idea of me and him entangled in a mess of sweaty limbs and hot air evoke either the feeling of awkwardness or repulsion, then he and I will probably never date. If I cannot pleasantly imagine his body against mine, or even his fingers intertwined in mine, then he and I will probably never have a romantic future together. And maybe it’s because he’s farted on me, or popped a zit in front of me one too many times. Or maybe it’s because I see him more like an older brother, than a lover. Whatever the reason may be, if the allure is not there, we will always stay just friends.



6. I just really like his company.
Johnny is great guy. He’s fun and he makes me happy right now. He gets me, and for the most part, I get him too. I love spending time with him, and what we have is special, but it’s just not romantic. Sometimes it’s as simple as that.